Author’s Note: With all the talk of going bold this week, I figured I’d share this piece from my idea journal. NSFW language in here.
I’ve made it a point to shrink. I don’t want to take up space.
Being fat will do that to you.
I don’t want to draw attention.
My love of bright color is tempered during the week. An all black wardrobe doesn’t turn heads; a neutral eye and lip color palette doesn’t raise an eyebrow.
I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to take that seat. I don’t want to inconvenience those I have to sit next to. If I can’t estimate I can fit, I’ll stand for the whole 45 minute ride home.
And if I do sit, I squish into my seat, hoping I don’t encroach on someone else’s space. Arms folded, bag held against me or resting on my feet so that even my bag doesn’t take unnecessary room.
But I take up space, no matter what I do.
My hair, whether in a high puff, free, or pinned, takes up more space. If I am off and have on loud lipstick or bright shadow, even if I am in the most neutral of outfits, I am noticed. Sometimes people express their admiration with a smile; their dissension with a raised brow. I pat my hair self-consciously. It flattens, then springs back to life, reaching full height.
I still take up space. No matter what I do.
It’s something like springtime. It’s getting warmer; soon it will be hot. I set my arms free, full and squishy. I go to yoga class and stretch them skyward in Warrior 1. I spread them wide in Warrior 2. I notice the fat hanging. I fling them back in Warrior 3; take flight.
Easy to fly when you can’t see the “problem”, right?
I work hard to stay on my mat; keep my mind on my practice.
Taking up space. No matter what I do.
I can’t help taking up space. I’m done apologizing for it–whether it’s changing my outfit because “no one wants to see all that” to putting on all neutral makeup forever and ever amen because I don’t deserve color.
I don’t deserve to take up space. I don’t deserve to demand it.
I reject that shit.
I deserve space, I deserve to take it up, I deserve to adorn myself as I please and take up as much space as I need.
As much as I desire.
Don’t like it? Then move and create your own space elsewhere. Leave me to mine.
I’ll still be here. Taking up space.
Deal with it.
Dedicated to those who need an ego boost this week.