Fatshion Friday: Vacation Prep (And Bonus Story Time!)

I go on vacation in two weeks, and I am so excited! So excited that I am already piecing together outfits.

I’m not even going to be gone for long, but since I’m going somewhere warm (Myrtle Beach) I’m trying to fit in all of the skin baring outfits I can on this trip.

At least, until NYC can make up it’s mind to be one temperature.

Sigh.

Anyway.

I plan for this trip to be full of maxi dresses, sandals, and maybe only one or two new pieces (if I keep telling myself this, maybe I’ll stick to it!)

(No I won’t.)

Like, Eloquii dropped these shorts and I want them with this top:

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And I want to wear this dress from ASOS with some cute sneakers and a denim jacket:

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And since I’ll be at the beach, I already scooped this beautiful bikini from GabiFresh’s Swimsuits For All collection:

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Bonus for this: you can get two different sizes for top and bottom. So if you’re more bottom heavy (that’s me), you can go up a size there and get a different sized top. It’s super comfy, by the way. This will be the first time I’ve ever done a bikini, so I’m petrified. But I’m gonna rock it anyway!

And since I’m doing a bathing suit, I’ll be making an appointment for a bikini wax soon. I wonder how it will go this time…every time I go it’s a new experience.

Story Time!

So, the first time I went to get a wax, it was included as part of a massage package at a spa. What I should have done was get the massage AFTER the wax, but I had no idea what I was in for.

Once the massage therapist worked all the kinks out of my shoulders and back, I went to get my wax. The room was clean and smelled like lavender. Kind of like a friendlier OB/GYN office.

Here’s the thing: if you’re gonna get a wax, please be uninhibited. Because your waxer is going to get to know you really well. There’s no modesty; you’re about to spread for them. Now, not for nothing, my waxer was super sweet, and she never made me feel uncomfortable.

Until the actual waxing part. Listen. I’m not about to sugar coat this for y’all. This shit hurts. I don’t care the menu tells you about “no pain wax” they’re lying to you. There are waxes that don’t hurt as much (go for the chocolate wax for this), but you’re gonna feel it. What you want to do is actually speak to your waxer. They’re going to make convo, and it isn’t for the purposes of being polite (well, not the sole reason.) They’re distracting you. So speak. Cause once that first strip came off I think I cursed the earth for being round and the sky for being blue my nethers hurt so much.

Oh, and they’re gonna show you the hair they yanked off you. In case you were wondering.

So, she’s waxing and talking to me, telling me I had more hair in certain places than others, and then the line of the century came out her mouth.

“Ok, I need for you to put your leg on the wall.”

Put my leg on the wall?!

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I had contacts on in this scenario, though.

Please keep in mind this was my FIRST wax, and I wasn’t thinking that with my belly she may need some help getting to places. All I could think was the only time I hear that line it ain’t because I’m getting waxed. Then I think, well shit. Can I get a drink and some dinner first? We’re moving too fast!

But I complied, and I was nice and smooth after. Oddly enough, I end up having to contort in some shape or form every time I get a wax, too. By the way, they rub you with soothing oil after so you don’t feel so raw.

Hope you got a good laugh from today’s story! Happy weekend, y’all! 😀

Retail Therapy Shopping Stories

Tales From Retail

Picture it: early morning, NYC, 2014. I’ve just finished my cup of coffee and paperwork, and I’m headed to the sales floor.

I’m met by an older gentleman holding some boxes of lubricant in his hands, looking quite perplexed. I can tell he’d like to ask someone about it, but he’s embarrassed.

So, I offer my help. After a while of working retail, nothing shocks you anymore, you know? So, I go through the differences of all the KY products (pro tip: always the Warming liquid. ALWAYS.) and he comes across a bottle of Wet.

For the uninitiated: Wet has all types of lube, but is best known for their flavored products. This truly seems to pique his interest. He asks if I’ve tried it before, then quickly apologizes as he thinks it too forward of him to ask. Again, nothing shocks me anymore, so I answer honestly that yes, I have (try the kiwi strawberry one.)

He then asks if the other lubes would be good for oral. No, I tell him, lube in general tastes like licking a plastic container if it isn’t flavored.

He looks at the different flavors. “I wish I could test some of these out,” he says. “Thanks so much for being so open to helping me out.”

“It’s my job,” I say. “You’re very welcome to any help I can give.” This, perhaps, wasn’t the best wording because he then asks me THE question of my day:

“Can I try it on you?”

I tried my best to maintain a straight face, but I’m sure I looked like this:

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Glasses and all, y’all.

He bursts into laughter when he sees my face. “I’m only kidding my dear; I know better,” he says between laughs.

I didn’t think he was serious, but there was definitely a moment of “what in all of the fucks” flashing through my head at the time.

Working retail is like playing paintball. We know that at any time we can be hit with something (whether the customer is angry or trying to be cheeky, like this one), and we have to make it a point to continue to play through it. Some days are harder than others, but this man had the benefit of a) me having coffee and breakfast right before he pulled these shenanigans (you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry) and b) having enough grace to know that being a comedian isn’t his strong suit.

So instead of ripping him a new one, I smile and ask him if there was anything else he needed.

He told me no, thanked me again, and left (with the KY. He decided he wasn’t ready for flavored yet.)

I don’t think I was ready for him. Definitely a highlight (? lowlight?) of my day.

Happy Monday, y’all! 🙂

 

Stories

Nail Adventures: An Appeal For Warmer Weather

I feel like it’s been winter for 1,000 years now. Weather can’t decide between Cold, What The Fuck Cold, and Fuck It Cold.

Fuck It Cold is when you step outside your house to run an errand, the wind/snow/chunks of ice hit you and you decide “Fuck it; I’m staying home,” and go back indoors.

Guess which one we’ve had up here in NYC as of late.

It’s now March, when warmer weather is supposed to start creeping back in.

Apparently the damned woodchuck/groundhog/beaver/whatever the hell ran the idea of Spring off.

*side eye emoji*

I’m here to see if I can make an appeal to the Weather Deities. I’m not certain what I must sacrifice to get some warmer weather (first pair of peep toe heels? Two crop tops and a pair of shorts? Glittery polish?) but I’m thisclose to figuring it out and doing an offering dance to get some actual spring weather.

In lieu of me dancing (trust me, nobody wants that) I decided to make my nails bright and colorful like spring. Perhaps if the Weather Deities see my colorful fingers, they’ll be more inclined to paint the landscape to match.

Please?

So, I took some of the loudest polish I could find and added some metallic finish, glitter, and rhinestones. The result?

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I was hoping to channel ocean water and mermaid tails and warm breeze…You know, the kind of weather that makes you want to search for mermaids you’re 99.9% certain don’t exist but you look anyway?

Yeah.

I used Rimmel London 60 Second Polish in Districtly Come Dancing for 8 fingers, and Orly’s Luxe for two fingers. This is my first time using Rimmel polish, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised. Even though it’s a quick dry polish, it doesn’t go on streaky, and one coat will do–but I wanted more intense color so I used two in my manicure. The glitter is from Fingr’s–it looks blue in the container, but looks more gold on the nail. Super pretty. They come in a set of 4, so now I want to try all of them to see how they blend. And because it’s me we’re talking about, I put a blue rhinestone on each pointer finger. Because why not. 😀

Oh, dear benevolent Weather Deities, please hear my plea and accept my offering. I hope my aquatic nails please you.

If they don’t, please know I’m prepared to give you full neon. Anything! Just bring back the warmth!

Nail Adventures Retail Therapy Reviews Stories